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So I guess this post is a mixture of my own boredom, and a need to write, and to get some feelings out. I don't have a journal at the moment - I keep leaving it in Lancaster. I also sort of feel like writing somewhere publicly, although I'm not sure why, but I guess that's why Xanga was created in the first place. Another thing that I like about writing here is that I know a few people will read it, but not everyone I know. So I can sort of - put myself out there without really putting myself out there.
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The past couple weeks were probably some of the hardest of my life. I don't feel like many people understand me when I talk about what I've been going through, and since it's hard for me to talk about everything, that's probably just as much my fault as it has been theirs. Some people have really taken the time to listen to me, and that has meant a lot to me. But other friends of mine seem to want to distance themselves from my problems, and that can be hard for me to deal with. I feel like I'm often there for my friends when they are going through tough times, so it can be difficult to understand why that is not reciprocated when I'm not doing so well.
Anyway, I guess I had better provide some background knowledge for those people not familiar with my situation.
Since the end of January, I have been working for Iraq Veterans Against the War (IVAW). I work at 339 Lafayette Street, which is in the Lower-East side of Manhattan. We have a small cubicle in the large War Resisters League (WRL) office. I spent the last two months, or so, crouched over a small desk in the IVAW cubicle, doing work in preparation for Winter Soldier.
IVAW described Winter Soldier as thus:
"Winter Soldier: Iraq and Afghanistan will featured testimony from
U.S. veterans who served in those occupations, giving an accurate
account of what is really happening day in and day out, on the ground.
The four-day event brought together veterans from across the country
to testify about their experiences in Iraq and Afghanistan - and
present video and photographic evidence. In addition, panels of
scholars, veterans, journalists, and other specialists gave context to
the testimony. These panels covered everything from the history of the
GI resistance movement to the fight for veterans' health benefits and
support." So for the first few weeks of my work with IVAW, I mainly did fairly uninteresting work like data entry and making phone calls. However, as trust was developed between my boss and I, I began to become increasingly involved with the actual testimony of various soldiers that had spent one, two, or three tours in Iraq. I spent hours listening to interviews in which soldiers described their experiences of being in-combat in Iraq. As you might imagine, these stories were often intense, graphic, and horrible. I think they took a bigger toll on me than I had first thought.
The Thursday before Winter Soldier, I got a call from my mother telling me my grandfather had died. He had not been in good health. At the time I was in the middle of a very important meeting. I ignored the first call I got from her but when she immediately called back a second time, I instinctively knew he must have died. I then had to sit through the remaining fifteen minutes of the meeting, not wanting to interrupt it, and then when it was finally over I informed my boss that I had to leave.
That night, I went to Lancaster, the next morning to Indiana, and then the following Monday drove back to Lancaster, and then got back to NYC on Monday night. Tuesday I went back to work, and Wednesday headed to DC for Winter Soldier.
My job at Winter Soldier turned out to be different than I was expecting. I didn't know what exact role I would be playing, but assumed it would have something to do with the testimonial process. Well, I ended up filling a job that no one had planned for, but that was obviously really needed. I spent hours on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday meeting with panelists and looking at their pictures and videos of dead and mangled bodies, so that we could choose which ones were the best to show during their testimony.
Friday night, I think, was the first night that I noticed that all of this was really triggering me. It happened when a friend made a sick joke about dead people. Everyone that was in the car with me laughed, but I remember feeling angry and slightly sick after hearing it. Sometime during the weekend, I went really downhill, and was extremely depressed, anxious, and nervous for the next week. The Tuesday night following Winter Solder I had some sort anxiety attack, and knew that I needed to go to Lancaster for the rest of the week.
Going to Lancaster helped out, but I'm still getting depressed more easily than I was before. Those stories are still in my head and I can still picture so many of those photographs.
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